Melanie: This episode is sponsored by The Bookworm Box! We believe in the power of a good book and the power of giving back - together we create good deeds, great reads. Every box has an autographed book, and every profit is donated to charity. Find out more information at www.thebookwormbox.com
Melanie: Welcome, welcome, welcome to an episode from Decking with the Tomcats! We’re Melanie, Sasha, and Cheyenne, and we talk about anything and anyone. So, do we have topics for today?
Cheyenne: Nope.
Sasha: I got nothing. I’m still waking up.
Melanie: It’s noon.
Sasha: Exactly. I tend to close late, if you know what I mean.
Melanie: We should have Juna and some of the other girls come someday.
Cheyenne: Oh! That’d be fun.
Melanie: But until then, who’s got a topic?
Cheyenne: Ribbit.
Sasha: That should be ‘crickets.’
Cheyenne: Oh.
Cheyenne: Crickets.
Melanie: Do you want to talk about crickets?
Cheyenne: Sure. I guess. I was more making a joke.
Sasha: We know. It wasn’t your best.
Cheyenne: Oh! Let’s talk about bluffing.
Melanie: Right.
Cheyenne: Because you called me on my bluff.
Sasha: We got that too, Shine.
Cheyenne: No, no, no. Only a certain someone who has a magical unicorn-like dick can call me that name.
Melanie: That sounds painful.
Cheyenne: It’s not. Think of a unicorn. They’re all magical. Then imagine what a magical dick would be like.
Sasha: I keep thinking of the word ‘maniacal’ when you say magical.
Cheyenne starts laughing.
Melanie: Let’s not do that.
Cheyenne: You don’t like dick, so it could be a magical unicorn pussy for you. Magical vagina? Maniacal vagina? I like magical pussy better.
Melanie: I’m going with magical pussy too. And yeah, I’m getting it.
Cheyenne: See? Now we’re all in our happy place, but don’t call me Shine.
Melanie: Shine.
Sasha: Shine.
Cheyenne: Guys.
Melanie: What’s our problem today? Are we having a problem thinking about something to talk about? We never have problems thinking about something to talk about.
Sasha: Sigh. I’m still thinking of a unicorn magical dick. I mean, not that my significant other doesn't have one, but now I’m thinking about his dick. Yes. He’s got a unicorn dick.
Cheyenne: I’m happy for you.
Sasha: Thanks. I’m glad that Cut has a unicorn magical dick for you too.
Cheyenne: Me too.
Melanie: Dudes.
Cheyenne: And for your magical pussy.
Sasha: We’re all happy for each other.
Melanie: I’m not. I don’t want to talk now. I’m just thinking about going home and enjoying that unicorn pussy, but we have forty-eight minutes left.
Cheyenne: It is our podcast. We can cut out early.
Melanie: We’re live.
Cheyenne: Nevermind. Everyone call in and tell us about your unicorn dick or pussy.
Melanie: Please don’t. Don’t encourage that. They’ll crash the system. We go national now.
Cheyenne: I always forget that.
Melanie: We’re aware of that.
Sasha: Word.
Melanie: Word?
Sasha: Word.
Cheyenne: She’s talked too much. She’s going back to the one-word words.
Melanie: One-word words?
Sasha: Totally.
Melanie: Why am I the responsible one today?
Cheyenne: When are you not?
Melanie: True. We have Sasha, who likes to grunt and use one-word words, and Chey is never serious.
Cheyenne: That’s the point of this, right? Not to be serious? Have I been getting it wrong this whole time?
Sasha: Never.
Cheyenne: Thank you, Sash.
Sasha: Here.
Melanie: She literally mouthed ‘for you’ right after that.
Sasha: Yep.
Cheyenne: She’s got a thing. She’s sticking to her thing.
Cheyenne: Oh. I got a topic. Let’s plan a prank.
Melanie: On air? Because whoever we’re doing the prank on will know about it.
Sasha: Do it.
Cheyenne: Two words!
Melanie: So who are we pranking?
Sasha: How about Cut’s hockey team? You have an in with their owner.
Melanie: Let’s do it, and there’s no way this will get back to them.
Sasha: Right.
Cheyenne: They did the popcorn prank not long ago on each other.
Sasha: Unoriginal.
Melanie: We can do better.
Sasha: So better.
Cheyenne: Can it involve unicorns at all?
Sasha: No.
Cheyenne: Can it involve leprechauns?
Sasha: Maybe.
Cheyenne: Can we hire some leprechauns to heckle the guys at one of our pool parties?
Melanie: How about we hire them to be the valet service for only the guys the next time they go to Bresko’s, and then the police will show up because they got word there’s a band of leprechaun car thieves pretending to be valet. The guys will shit themselves.
Cheyenne: I know the police. We can make this happen.
Sasha: That was anticlimactic. Our prank is already planned.
Cheyenne: You know what’s not anticlimactic?
Melanie: If you say a unicorn dick…
Cheyenne: What?
Melanie: What?
Cheyenne: That’s what I was going to say, so what?
Melanie: I have nothing. It was an empty threat.
Cheyenne: I was reading a fantasy book to Emily last night, and I think we need to incorporate more fantasy things in our everyday lives.
Sasha: Unicorn.
Cheyenne: Like mermaids. Yetis. I’d love to imagine the trees would talk to us one day. How amazing would that be?
Sasha: Dick.
Cheyenne: Those are already magical.
Sasha: Unicorn.
Melanie: She’s just going to keep repeating unicorn dick and unicorn pussy the rest of the time. Aren’t you?
Sasha: Pussy.
Cheyenne: You know what else is funny?
Melanie: We weren’t talking about anything funny.
Sasha: Unicorn.
Cheyenne: Red pandas.
Melanie: I can usually follow where you’re going, Chey, and you lost me there.
Sasha: Dick.
Cheyenne: Have you watched videos of them on YouTube?
Melanie: No.
Cheyenne: Do it. Now.
Melanie: You can’t end it there. You need to tell me what makes them funny.
Sasha: Unicorn.
Cheyenne: That would defeat the purpose of you watching for yourself. I don’t want to spoil the surprise.
Sasha: Pusssssyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Melanie: We’re not getting anything productive today, are we?
Cheyenne: I would imagine that yetis would be hilarious.
Melanie: Oh God.
Sasha: Unicorn.
Cheyenne: They would be the best at pranking. Maybe all those yeti sightings are their version of pranks? Maybe they’re the best prankers in the world.
Sasha: Diiiiccckkkk.
Melanie: You both are having your own conversations, with yourselves.
Cheyenne: Unicorn.
Melanie: Chey, you can’t start with her.
Sasha: Unicorn.
Cheyenne: Pussy.
Sasha: Dick.
Cheyenne: Unicorn.
Sasha: Unicorn.
Cheyenne: Dick.
Sasha: Pussy.
Cheyenne: Unicorn.
Sasha: Unicorn.
Melanie: Okay. We’re ending this early. We’ll take calls when we come back.
Cheyenne: Pussy.
Sasha: Dick.
Cheyenne: Unicorn.
Cheyenne: I think we should make up a cheer? We can try to get the Mustangs’ fans to do it at their next game?
Sasha: Oh, please let it be about if Cut is cut!
Melanie: Sasha!
Sasha: What?
Cheyenne: One-word, jeez. We have rules. That’s your rule.
Sasha: Pfft. I don’t got no rules.
Melanie: Okay. Sponsors, then calls.
Cheyenne: Brought to you by Hello Lovely Box. Your go-to shop for all things bookish. Read Books. Be Kind. Stay Weird. Go to www.hellolovelybox.com for all your shopping needs.
Cheyenne: Full disclosure, I added the last section ‘for all your shopping needs.’ And I almost said, ‘for all your sheeping nods.’
Melanie: Are you tired?
Cheyenne: Kinda. That was my dyslexia. It kicks up more when I’m tired or stressed.
Cheyenne: Well, everything kicks up more when I’m stressed or tired.
Melanie: Oh, shit. I forgot to do the welcoming back segment. Hey, so we’re back! You’re with Decking with the Tomcats. We’re The Tomcats! Chey, Sash, and Melanie.
Sasha: Yo.
Cheyenne: Yo.
Sasha: Don’t copy me, Chey.
Cheyenne snorts.
Cheyenne: Unicorn--
Sasha: Dick!
Melanie: You guys. I said we’d do some calls.
Sasha: Right.
Melanie: On it.
Cheyenne: Calls, please.
Melanie: Okay! First caller.
Caller 1: Hi! My name is Pam, and I was wondering who’s been your favorite guest and why?
Melanie: Oooh. I know my favorite, but you guys answer first.
Sasha: Why are we answering first?
Melanie: Because I’ve been the only one rowing the responsible boat today. Your turn. Sash, who’s been your favorite?
Cheyenne: We’re not doing our significant others, right? Or can we?
Melanie: Let’s not. I mean, we could if we wanted, but that’s kinda a given. Let’s say who are our favorites that we’re not currently sleeping with.
Cheyenne: And why. Don’t forget the why.
Sasha: Chey, you go first.
Cheyenne: Does it have to be a person?
Melanie: It cannot be an animal. That’s not enjoyable for listeners.
Sasha: You’re like the no-fun Tomcat police today, Mel. What’s up with that?
Cheyenne: Yeah. What is up with that? You’re not usually so serious.
Sasha: Well…
Cheyenne: Right. You are, but I think we should figure out a different prank. Like the night we toilet papered Chad’s house.
Melanie: Fucking Chad.
Cheyenne: Douche Chad.
Sasha: Don’t be a Chad.
Sasha: Ahh. Loving it. Mel’s back.
Melanie: She snorts. Fuck off, guys.
Cheyenne: Chad was my favorite guest.
Silence.
Melanie: Crickets.
Sasha starts laughing.
Melanie: You serious, Chey?
Cheyenne: Yeah. Because he hated being here. He hated being grilled by both of you guys, and I loved seeing him squirm.
Sasha: It took years before we could get him to come in for an interview too.
Melanie: Fucking Chad.
Cheyenne: Douchebag Chad.
Sasha: Don’t be a Chad.
Cheyenne: Melanie, favorite guest and why.
Melanie: I think my answer is going to be the drunk guy that we picked up before the cops came to get because he had to go to detox.
Cheyenne: I forgot that guy. What was his name again?
Melanie: I don’t think he knew his name. We gave him a name. What name was it?
Sasha: Drunk Guy.
Melanie: That’s right. We were hungover. None of us were feeling inspired.
Sasha: Did we ever find out his name?
Cheyenne: No.
Melanie: We could call him Detox Guy now. Hey, Detox Guy! If you’re listening, call in. Tell us your name.
Sasha: And if you’re alive.
Melanie: That too. I enjoyed when we were talking about Cut, and he kept thinking we wanted to know if he was cut.
Cheyenne: And he kept trying to show us.
Melanie: He didn’t try.
Cheyenne: He did. I didn’t appreciate seeing that.
Sasha: I did. He had white spots on his dick.
Sasha: Unicorn--
Melanie: Don’t start. Please.
Cheyenne laughs.
Sasha laughs.
Melanie: Okay. Sash, your favorite guest and why.
Sasha: My favorite guest has been the mascot guy for Cut’s hockey team.
Melanie is laughing.
Melanie: He was the best. His name was Dirk or Kirk, and he was stoned.
Cheyenne: He wasn’t…?
Melanie: He was! And he’s like eighteen. I’m changing my mind. Dirk/Kirk was the best guest, hands down. Every other word was, ‘yeah, man.’ Or ‘Yo, bro.’
Cheyenne: He raided the snacks afterwards, and he wouldn’t leave the bathroom for an hour.
Melanie: I don’t remember any of that.
Sasha: You went home right away for something.
Melanie: Right. I wish I hadn’t now.
Melanie: Okay. Real talk. Let’s do another sponsor segment, and then we’ll figure it out when we come back.
Sasha: You’re acting like our sponsor segments are like five-minute breaks. They’re ten seconds.
Cheyenne: Ten seconds can be a mental break for some of us.
Sasha:True.
Sasha: Sponsored by Novel Grounds. Book musings and handcrafted items for every occasion. Look no further, we have a bag for every reader. For more information, go to www.novelgrounds.com.
Melanie: I think we should do a game of word association.
Cheyenne: You say the word and we tell you what we associate it with?
Melanie: Yeah. I think. Yeah. Let’s do that.
Sasha: What words? How are you picking the words?
Melanie: I’m using a random word generator.
Cheyenne: Are you serious? They have those?
Melanie: Who’s ‘they’? And they have generators for anything online.
Cheyenne: Sexy word generators?
Melanie: Probably, but I didn’t do that for this one.
Cheyenne: Oh. Can we change the words?
Melanie: Uh. Let’s do a few from this one, and I’ll think of random sexy words if I can’t find that generator. You guys ready?
Cheyenne: Ready.
Sasha: Yo. Bro.
Melanie: Okay. First word: blue!
Sasha: Red.
Cheyenne: Whale.
Melanie: Why red?
Sasha: Why not red?
Cheyenne: I thought you liked blue.
Sasha: I like blue too.
Melanie: Second word: thumb.
Cheyenne: Nail.
Sasha: Drive. Like a thumb drive.
Melanie: Third word: arrow.
Sasha: Bow.
Cheyenne: Blue Moon. Sorry. It just came to me. I used to like Blue Moon.
Melanie: I do too. Is that your answer for ‘arrow’?
Cheyenne: No. Oliver Queen.
Sasha snorts.
Melanie: Fourth word: brink.
Sasha: Are you going to answer too?
Melanie: Oh. I didn’t think I could because I’m saying them.
Cheyenne: No. You answer too. What’s your association with brink?
Melanie: Edge.
Cheyenne: I think of ‘extinct,’ like the dinosaurs. I can’t decide if I wish Jurassic Park was a real place or not.
Melanie: Sash?
Sasha: I think of bricks. And that makes me think of brick houses, and that makes me think of the night we toilet papered Chad’s house.
Melanie: Fucking Chad!
Sasha: Douchebag Chad.
Cheyenne: Don’t be a Chad!
Melanie: We apologize to everyone who is named Chad, or has named their child Chad. We are sure those Chads are lovely people, but yeah.
Sasha: We don’t like the name Chad.
Cheyenne: I kinda like the name Chad, but I don’t like that Chad.
Melanie: Fucking Chad!
Sasha: Douchebag Chad.
Cheyenne: Don’t be a Chad!
Melanie: Moving on.
Cheyenne: Right.
Sasha is laughing.
Melanie: Last word: wriggle.
Sasha: Squirm.
Melanie: Worm.
Cheyenne: Sex.
Sasha: Sex?
Cheyenne: Yep. Sex. And I’m not explaining why, but sex.
Melanie covers up a laugh.
Melanie: Should we do one more caller? Or a sponsor?
Sasha: Caller.
Cheyenne: Caller! I’m hoping it’s Detox Guy.
Caller 2: Yeah. Hi. Am I on the air?
Sasha: No. We’re not live.
Melanie: We are live, but yeah. Not like radio live.
Cheyenne: So his question makes sense. You’re on air with The Tomcats. Who are you?
Caller 2: Yeah. I’m Detox Guy.
Sasha: DETOX GUYYYYY!
Melanie: It’s Detox Guy!
Cheyenne: What’s your name?
Caller 2: Detox Guy.
Cheyenne: What’s the name your mother calls you?
Caller 2: Detox Dumbass.
Melanie: You serious?
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: Yeah. She really likes your podcast, so that’s my nickname now.
Sasha: What’s the name on your birth certificate?
Detox Dumbass: Oh. It’s DJ.
Melanie: Oh, the irony right now.
Cheyenne starts laughing.
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: Huh?
Melanie: Nothing. What do you do for a living? Besides going to detox.
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: Yeah. Uh, I do houses with my dad and brother.
Cheyenne: Really? In Kansas City?
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: No. In Canada.
Melanie: You’re from Canada?
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: Yeah. I was down there for the Mustangs game. Our team played yours.
Sasha: That’s right! You guys lost.
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: That’s why I was so drunk. We got you guys the next time, though.
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: Hey, uh, is it true that one of you is married to Cutler Ryder?
Sasha: No.
Cheyenne laughs.
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: Really? I thought you were. That’s why I came to your show. You guys were doing your podcast at that bar, after the hockey game. I thought…
Melanie: Why are you asking about Cutler Ryder?
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: Because he’s like my mom and sister when they have tampons. Wait. No.
Sasha: No chirping allowed!
Cheyenne: You’re like a tampon, douche. And since you don’t know how to insult, go and ask your mom and sister how to do it. Guarantee you’ll come back with something witty, Detox Dumbass.
Sasha is laughing.
Sasha: Chey’s mad.
Cheyenne: Fucking douchebags. Is your name Chad?
Melanie: Fucking Chad!
Sasha: Douchebag Chad.
Cheyenne: Don’t be a Detox Dumbass!
Melanie is laughing.
Melanie: Okay. Let’s do one more sponsor and end here. Detox Dumbass and our word associations have made me want a Blue Moon.
Sasha: Dude.
Melanie: Signing off for The Tomcats. Our last sponsor comes from Bend Me Not. Bend Me Nots are handmade book and e-reader sleeves for added protection while transporting your items. Mug rugs and key fobs are now available to add a little flair to your coffee mugs and keys. For more information, go to www.etsy.com/shop/bendmenot/
Melanie: And with that, one last word association?
Cheyenne: What do you associate with the word: deejay.
Sasha: Dumbass.
Melanie: Douchebag.
Cheyenne: Tampon.
Melanie: Welcome, welcome, welcome to an episode from Decking with the Tomcats! We’re Melanie, Sasha, and Cheyenne, and we talk about anything and anyone. So, do we have topics for today?
Cheyenne: Nope.
Sasha: I got nothing. I’m still waking up.
Melanie: It’s noon.
Sasha: Exactly. I tend to close late, if you know what I mean.
Melanie: We should have Juna and some of the other girls come someday.
Cheyenne: Oh! That’d be fun.
Melanie: But until then, who’s got a topic?
Cheyenne: Ribbit.
Sasha: That should be ‘crickets.’
Cheyenne: Oh.
Cheyenne: Crickets.
Melanie: Do you want to talk about crickets?
Cheyenne: Sure. I guess. I was more making a joke.
Sasha: We know. It wasn’t your best.
Cheyenne: Oh! Let’s talk about bluffing.
Melanie: Right.
Cheyenne: Because you called me on my bluff.
Sasha: We got that too, Shine.
Cheyenne: No, no, no. Only a certain someone who has a magical unicorn-like dick can call me that name.
Melanie: That sounds painful.
Cheyenne: It’s not. Think of a unicorn. They’re all magical. Then imagine what a magical dick would be like.
Sasha: I keep thinking of the word ‘maniacal’ when you say magical.
Cheyenne starts laughing.
Melanie: Let’s not do that.
Cheyenne: You don’t like dick, so it could be a magical unicorn pussy for you. Magical vagina? Maniacal vagina? I like magical pussy better.
Melanie: I’m going with magical pussy too. And yeah, I’m getting it.
Cheyenne: See? Now we’re all in our happy place, but don’t call me Shine.
Melanie: Shine.
Sasha: Shine.
Cheyenne: Guys.
Melanie: What’s our problem today? Are we having a problem thinking about something to talk about? We never have problems thinking about something to talk about.
Sasha: Sigh. I’m still thinking of a unicorn magical dick. I mean, not that my significant other doesn't have one, but now I’m thinking about his dick. Yes. He’s got a unicorn dick.
Cheyenne: I’m happy for you.
Sasha: Thanks. I’m glad that Cut has a unicorn magical dick for you too.
Cheyenne: Me too.
Melanie: Dudes.
Cheyenne: And for your magical pussy.
Sasha: We’re all happy for each other.
Melanie: I’m not. I don’t want to talk now. I’m just thinking about going home and enjoying that unicorn pussy, but we have forty-eight minutes left.
Cheyenne: It is our podcast. We can cut out early.
Melanie: We’re live.
Cheyenne: Nevermind. Everyone call in and tell us about your unicorn dick or pussy.
Melanie: Please don’t. Don’t encourage that. They’ll crash the system. We go national now.
Cheyenne: I always forget that.
Melanie: We’re aware of that.
Sasha: Word.
Melanie: Word?
Sasha: Word.
Cheyenne: She’s talked too much. She’s going back to the one-word words.
Melanie: One-word words?
Sasha: Totally.
Melanie: Why am I the responsible one today?
Cheyenne: When are you not?
Melanie: True. We have Sasha, who likes to grunt and use one-word words, and Chey is never serious.
Cheyenne: That’s the point of this, right? Not to be serious? Have I been getting it wrong this whole time?
Sasha: Never.
Cheyenne: Thank you, Sash.
Sasha: Here.
Melanie: She literally mouthed ‘for you’ right after that.
Sasha: Yep.
Cheyenne: She’s got a thing. She’s sticking to her thing.
Cheyenne: Oh. I got a topic. Let’s plan a prank.
Melanie: On air? Because whoever we’re doing the prank on will know about it.
Sasha: Do it.
Cheyenne: Two words!
Melanie: So who are we pranking?
Sasha: How about Cut’s hockey team? You have an in with their owner.
Melanie: Let’s do it, and there’s no way this will get back to them.
Sasha: Right.
Cheyenne: They did the popcorn prank not long ago on each other.
Sasha: Unoriginal.
Melanie: We can do better.
Sasha: So better.
Cheyenne: Can it involve unicorns at all?
Sasha: No.
Cheyenne: Can it involve leprechauns?
Sasha: Maybe.
Cheyenne: Can we hire some leprechauns to heckle the guys at one of our pool parties?
Melanie: How about we hire them to be the valet service for only the guys the next time they go to Bresko’s, and then the police will show up because they got word there’s a band of leprechaun car thieves pretending to be valet. The guys will shit themselves.
Cheyenne: I know the police. We can make this happen.
Sasha: That was anticlimactic. Our prank is already planned.
Cheyenne: You know what’s not anticlimactic?
Melanie: If you say a unicorn dick…
Cheyenne: What?
Melanie: What?
Cheyenne: That’s what I was going to say, so what?
Melanie: I have nothing. It was an empty threat.
Cheyenne: I was reading a fantasy book to Emily last night, and I think we need to incorporate more fantasy things in our everyday lives.
Sasha: Unicorn.
Cheyenne: Like mermaids. Yetis. I’d love to imagine the trees would talk to us one day. How amazing would that be?
Sasha: Dick.
Cheyenne: Those are already magical.
Sasha: Unicorn.
Melanie: She’s just going to keep repeating unicorn dick and unicorn pussy the rest of the time. Aren’t you?
Sasha: Pussy.
Cheyenne: You know what else is funny?
Melanie: We weren’t talking about anything funny.
Sasha: Unicorn.
Cheyenne: Red pandas.
Melanie: I can usually follow where you’re going, Chey, and you lost me there.
Sasha: Dick.
Cheyenne: Have you watched videos of them on YouTube?
Melanie: No.
Cheyenne: Do it. Now.
Melanie: You can’t end it there. You need to tell me what makes them funny.
Sasha: Unicorn.
Cheyenne: That would defeat the purpose of you watching for yourself. I don’t want to spoil the surprise.
Sasha: Pusssssyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Melanie: We’re not getting anything productive today, are we?
Cheyenne: I would imagine that yetis would be hilarious.
Melanie: Oh God.
Sasha: Unicorn.
Cheyenne: They would be the best at pranking. Maybe all those yeti sightings are their version of pranks? Maybe they’re the best prankers in the world.
Sasha: Diiiiccckkkk.
Melanie: You both are having your own conversations, with yourselves.
Cheyenne: Unicorn.
Melanie: Chey, you can’t start with her.
Sasha: Unicorn.
Cheyenne: Pussy.
Sasha: Dick.
Cheyenne: Unicorn.
Sasha: Unicorn.
Cheyenne: Dick.
Sasha: Pussy.
Cheyenne: Unicorn.
Sasha: Unicorn.
Melanie: Okay. We’re ending this early. We’ll take calls when we come back.
Cheyenne: Pussy.
Sasha: Dick.
Cheyenne: Unicorn.
Cheyenne: I think we should make up a cheer? We can try to get the Mustangs’ fans to do it at their next game?
Sasha: Oh, please let it be about if Cut is cut!
Melanie: Sasha!
Sasha: What?
Cheyenne: One-word, jeez. We have rules. That’s your rule.
Sasha: Pfft. I don’t got no rules.
Melanie: Okay. Sponsors, then calls.
Cheyenne: Brought to you by Hello Lovely Box. Your go-to shop for all things bookish. Read Books. Be Kind. Stay Weird. Go to www.hellolovelybox.com for all your shopping needs.
Cheyenne: Full disclosure, I added the last section ‘for all your shopping needs.’ And I almost said, ‘for all your sheeping nods.’
Melanie: Are you tired?
Cheyenne: Kinda. That was my dyslexia. It kicks up more when I’m tired or stressed.
Cheyenne: Well, everything kicks up more when I’m stressed or tired.
Melanie: Oh, shit. I forgot to do the welcoming back segment. Hey, so we’re back! You’re with Decking with the Tomcats. We’re The Tomcats! Chey, Sash, and Melanie.
Sasha: Yo.
Cheyenne: Yo.
Sasha: Don’t copy me, Chey.
Cheyenne snorts.
Cheyenne: Unicorn--
Sasha: Dick!
Melanie: You guys. I said we’d do some calls.
Sasha: Right.
Melanie: On it.
Cheyenne: Calls, please.
Melanie: Okay! First caller.
Caller 1: Hi! My name is Pam, and I was wondering who’s been your favorite guest and why?
Melanie: Oooh. I know my favorite, but you guys answer first.
Sasha: Why are we answering first?
Melanie: Because I’ve been the only one rowing the responsible boat today. Your turn. Sash, who’s been your favorite?
Cheyenne: We’re not doing our significant others, right? Or can we?
Melanie: Let’s not. I mean, we could if we wanted, but that’s kinda a given. Let’s say who are our favorites that we’re not currently sleeping with.
Cheyenne: And why. Don’t forget the why.
Sasha: Chey, you go first.
Cheyenne: Does it have to be a person?
Melanie: It cannot be an animal. That’s not enjoyable for listeners.
Sasha: You’re like the no-fun Tomcat police today, Mel. What’s up with that?
Cheyenne: Yeah. What is up with that? You’re not usually so serious.
Sasha: Well…
Cheyenne: Right. You are, but I think we should figure out a different prank. Like the night we toilet papered Chad’s house.
Melanie: Fucking Chad.
Cheyenne: Douche Chad.
Sasha: Don’t be a Chad.
Sasha: Ahh. Loving it. Mel’s back.
Melanie: She snorts. Fuck off, guys.
Cheyenne: Chad was my favorite guest.
Silence.
Melanie: Crickets.
Sasha starts laughing.
Melanie: You serious, Chey?
Cheyenne: Yeah. Because he hated being here. He hated being grilled by both of you guys, and I loved seeing him squirm.
Sasha: It took years before we could get him to come in for an interview too.
Melanie: Fucking Chad.
Cheyenne: Douchebag Chad.
Sasha: Don’t be a Chad.
Cheyenne: Melanie, favorite guest and why.
Melanie: I think my answer is going to be the drunk guy that we picked up before the cops came to get because he had to go to detox.
Cheyenne: I forgot that guy. What was his name again?
Melanie: I don’t think he knew his name. We gave him a name. What name was it?
Sasha: Drunk Guy.
Melanie: That’s right. We were hungover. None of us were feeling inspired.
Sasha: Did we ever find out his name?
Cheyenne: No.
Melanie: We could call him Detox Guy now. Hey, Detox Guy! If you’re listening, call in. Tell us your name.
Sasha: And if you’re alive.
Melanie: That too. I enjoyed when we were talking about Cut, and he kept thinking we wanted to know if he was cut.
Cheyenne: And he kept trying to show us.
Melanie: He didn’t try.
Cheyenne: He did. I didn’t appreciate seeing that.
Sasha: I did. He had white spots on his dick.
Sasha: Unicorn--
Melanie: Don’t start. Please.
Cheyenne laughs.
Sasha laughs.
Melanie: Okay. Sash, your favorite guest and why.
Sasha: My favorite guest has been the mascot guy for Cut’s hockey team.
Melanie is laughing.
Melanie: He was the best. His name was Dirk or Kirk, and he was stoned.
Cheyenne: He wasn’t…?
Melanie: He was! And he’s like eighteen. I’m changing my mind. Dirk/Kirk was the best guest, hands down. Every other word was, ‘yeah, man.’ Or ‘Yo, bro.’
Cheyenne: He raided the snacks afterwards, and he wouldn’t leave the bathroom for an hour.
Melanie: I don’t remember any of that.
Sasha: You went home right away for something.
Melanie: Right. I wish I hadn’t now.
Melanie: Okay. Real talk. Let’s do another sponsor segment, and then we’ll figure it out when we come back.
Sasha: You’re acting like our sponsor segments are like five-minute breaks. They’re ten seconds.
Cheyenne: Ten seconds can be a mental break for some of us.
Sasha:True.
Sasha: Sponsored by Novel Grounds. Book musings and handcrafted items for every occasion. Look no further, we have a bag for every reader. For more information, go to www.novelgrounds.com.
Melanie: I think we should do a game of word association.
Cheyenne: You say the word and we tell you what we associate it with?
Melanie: Yeah. I think. Yeah. Let’s do that.
Sasha: What words? How are you picking the words?
Melanie: I’m using a random word generator.
Cheyenne: Are you serious? They have those?
Melanie: Who’s ‘they’? And they have generators for anything online.
Cheyenne: Sexy word generators?
Melanie: Probably, but I didn’t do that for this one.
Cheyenne: Oh. Can we change the words?
Melanie: Uh. Let’s do a few from this one, and I’ll think of random sexy words if I can’t find that generator. You guys ready?
Cheyenne: Ready.
Sasha: Yo. Bro.
Melanie: Okay. First word: blue!
Sasha: Red.
Cheyenne: Whale.
Melanie: Why red?
Sasha: Why not red?
Cheyenne: I thought you liked blue.
Sasha: I like blue too.
Melanie: Second word: thumb.
Cheyenne: Nail.
Sasha: Drive. Like a thumb drive.
Melanie: Third word: arrow.
Sasha: Bow.
Cheyenne: Blue Moon. Sorry. It just came to me. I used to like Blue Moon.
Melanie: I do too. Is that your answer for ‘arrow’?
Cheyenne: No. Oliver Queen.
Sasha snorts.
Melanie: Fourth word: brink.
Sasha: Are you going to answer too?
Melanie: Oh. I didn’t think I could because I’m saying them.
Cheyenne: No. You answer too. What’s your association with brink?
Melanie: Edge.
Cheyenne: I think of ‘extinct,’ like the dinosaurs. I can’t decide if I wish Jurassic Park was a real place or not.
Melanie: Sash?
Sasha: I think of bricks. And that makes me think of brick houses, and that makes me think of the night we toilet papered Chad’s house.
Melanie: Fucking Chad!
Sasha: Douchebag Chad.
Cheyenne: Don’t be a Chad!
Melanie: We apologize to everyone who is named Chad, or has named their child Chad. We are sure those Chads are lovely people, but yeah.
Sasha: We don’t like the name Chad.
Cheyenne: I kinda like the name Chad, but I don’t like that Chad.
Melanie: Fucking Chad!
Sasha: Douchebag Chad.
Cheyenne: Don’t be a Chad!
Melanie: Moving on.
Cheyenne: Right.
Sasha is laughing.
Melanie: Last word: wriggle.
Sasha: Squirm.
Melanie: Worm.
Cheyenne: Sex.
Sasha: Sex?
Cheyenne: Yep. Sex. And I’m not explaining why, but sex.
Melanie covers up a laugh.
Melanie: Should we do one more caller? Or a sponsor?
Sasha: Caller.
Cheyenne: Caller! I’m hoping it’s Detox Guy.
Caller 2: Yeah. Hi. Am I on the air?
Sasha: No. We’re not live.
Melanie: We are live, but yeah. Not like radio live.
Cheyenne: So his question makes sense. You’re on air with The Tomcats. Who are you?
Caller 2: Yeah. I’m Detox Guy.
Sasha: DETOX GUYYYYY!
Melanie: It’s Detox Guy!
Cheyenne: What’s your name?
Caller 2: Detox Guy.
Cheyenne: What’s the name your mother calls you?
Caller 2: Detox Dumbass.
Melanie: You serious?
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: Yeah. She really likes your podcast, so that’s my nickname now.
Sasha: What’s the name on your birth certificate?
Detox Dumbass: Oh. It’s DJ.
Melanie: Oh, the irony right now.
Cheyenne starts laughing.
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: Huh?
Melanie: Nothing. What do you do for a living? Besides going to detox.
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: Yeah. Uh, I do houses with my dad and brother.
Cheyenne: Really? In Kansas City?
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: No. In Canada.
Melanie: You’re from Canada?
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: Yeah. I was down there for the Mustangs game. Our team played yours.
Sasha: That’s right! You guys lost.
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: That’s why I was so drunk. We got you guys the next time, though.
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: Hey, uh, is it true that one of you is married to Cutler Ryder?
Sasha: No.
Cheyenne laughs.
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: Really? I thought you were. That’s why I came to your show. You guys were doing your podcast at that bar, after the hockey game. I thought…
Melanie: Why are you asking about Cutler Ryder?
Caller 2/Detox Dumbass: Because he’s like my mom and sister when they have tampons. Wait. No.
Sasha: No chirping allowed!
Cheyenne: You’re like a tampon, douche. And since you don’t know how to insult, go and ask your mom and sister how to do it. Guarantee you’ll come back with something witty, Detox Dumbass.
Sasha is laughing.
Sasha: Chey’s mad.
Cheyenne: Fucking douchebags. Is your name Chad?
Melanie: Fucking Chad!
Sasha: Douchebag Chad.
Cheyenne: Don’t be a Detox Dumbass!
Melanie is laughing.
Melanie: Okay. Let’s do one more sponsor and end here. Detox Dumbass and our word associations have made me want a Blue Moon.
Sasha: Dude.
Melanie: Signing off for The Tomcats. Our last sponsor comes from Bend Me Not. Bend Me Nots are handmade book and e-reader sleeves for added protection while transporting your items. Mug rugs and key fobs are now available to add a little flair to your coffee mugs and keys. For more information, go to www.etsy.com/shop/bendmenot/
Melanie: And with that, one last word association?
Cheyenne: What do you associate with the word: deejay.
Sasha: Dumbass.
Melanie: Douchebag.
Cheyenne: Tampon.