CHAPTER SIXTY ONE


Scott knocked on our door and poked his head inside. He smirked as he saw our
position. I was kneeling between Jace's legs as he braced his arms behind on the
bed.


I rolled my eyes and pressed my fingers harder on the guaze that I held to
Jace's forehead.


"Ow." Jace murmured, but he grinned when I glared at him. He had barely
reacted when I stitched up his bullet-wound. He could easily handle a few
gashes.


"Hey, boss. Coolay and Carls arrived. And they have word." Scott pounded his
fist on the doorframe and quickly left, but not before he smirked again.


"Word?" I asked underneath my breath and pulled back the gauze to inspect the
gashes closer.


"I told them that I wanted to hear if there's another shipment being
transported. Rafe said she heard there was, but she didn't know the details and
I know these guys could get better information. Guess they got the word." Jace
said huskily and reached up to pull my hand away from his forehead. He used it
to tug me closer and land into him.


"Thanks." I murmured dryly. "Because that wasn't ladylike and graceful at
all."


Jace didn't reply, instead he laid back on the bed and hoisted me to lay
above him. "This is much better." He skimmed a hand down my back and caressed my
hipbone.


I defied my humanity and pushed up from him. "Nope. Not now and not with how
many agents downstairs?"


I turned for the door, but Jace had another idea. He was off the bed and had
his arms wrapped around me in a flash. He pushed me against the wall, kicked the
door shut, and started nuzzling my neck.


I gasped and instinctually reached for the back of his neck. "Jace."


In response, he locked the door, and flipped me onto the mattress.


His lips searched out mine and I completely forgot the world. Jace had that
power of me, more than I cared to admit, but after I gasped and Jace trembled
above me, we fell back down to the bed and waited out the ripples.


"We're an actual couple." I murmured lightly.


Jace barked a laugh and looked up from my shoulder, "You mean that we fought
and then made up?"


"Yeah." I said weakly, exhilirated.


He smiled and leaned close for a tender kiss.


My lips clung to him, I clung to him, but instead of pulling away and going
downstairs, I was surprised when Jace shifted and laid by my side. He wrapped
himself around me and I was cocooned by him.


I felt safe.


I looked at the corner and saw my handgun laying there. I knew Jace's was on
his other side, but for now—we didn't need the guns for our safety.


"Do you believe in angels?" I asked softly.


Jace shifted behid me, but he merely tightened his hold. He murmured into my
shoulderblades, "Why are we having this conversation?"


"It's not a conversation." I smiled slightly. "I'm just asking…do you?"


"Well…yeah, I do." Jace sat up slightly.


So did I. "Really?"


"You don't." He mused.


"You do?"


Jace grinned faintly, ran a hand through his hair, and said dryly, "Why,
again, are we having this conversation?"


"Why do you believe in angels?"


"Because miracles happen, Maya." Jace sobered and sat back to wait out my
perplexion. He crossed his arms over his naked chest and pulled the sheet up to
his waist.


I rested a hand on the bed and gazed at him, confused, "But…you can't. That
makes no sense."


Jace arched an eyebrow, "What are you talking about? It can't make sense. I
can believe what I want to believe and I know that miracles happen. Something
must make them happen, that's good enough for me."


"Are you serious?"


"Are you?" He shot back.


"But…angels?"


"Why'd you ask if you won't believe the answer?"


"Because I thought that you'd tell me they were silly, that I was being
silly, and that I don't need to believe in something I can't even see because I
just needed to believe in you. That's what I thought you'd tell me."


Jace shook his head. "You want a pep talk? Are you serious?"


"I want something real."


"No." Jace sighed and stood up. He reached for his shirt and pulled it on.
"You want things to make sense, but I've got news for you, Maya—this world
doesn't make sense. Your nephew was taken, my son was taken. You and me
together. Your brother's playing both sides…you can't make sense of anything and
you want to because without that, you don't know what to do."


"Jace."


"No." He stopped me quickly. "You've been through a lot, Maya. I'll grant you
that, but you haven't touched my world—this world—I led the Panthers. I became a
DEA agent. I wanted Taryn gone. I watched my brother get killed. And I found out
that I had a son and then I found out that I had lost my son. You don't know my
world, Maya, and I'm not going to tell you that everything makes snese in the
end because it doesn't. Nothing makes sense and sometimes, when that happens,
you have to believe in something else because if you don't—you face the fact
that you're nothing compared to what's going on. And you can't be nothing. You
have to be something. Faith gives that to a person. And so yeah, sometimes I
believe in angels or something else…because I have to, Maya…and so will
you."


"If there's angels than that means there's a god and what's he doing? He's
doing nothing." I rushed out and clambered to my feet. I wrapped the sheet
around my naked form, but it didn't stop me. My nakedness only fueled me.
"You're right. This is your world. It's not mine, but I'm a fast learner, Jace.
And I know that the man who holds my nephew's life is the man who I betrayed,
who still loves me. Should I turn myself over to him so that Gray is alive?"


"No." Jace said swiftly. "Because you can't reason with men like Mallon.
He'll take you, but he'll keep your nephew. You're on the right side in
this."


"Is that what you are? The right side?"


"We're a side." Jace countered. "Doesn't that stand for something?"


Did it? I no longer knew.


Everything that had been spoken was true. This wasn't my world. I deal with
small-block bullies, fixed poker games, and making sure that Cora didn't rip off
the wrong rich lovesick. I didn't deal with international druglords or the head
or someone who could be mastermind an international web of child trafficing.


I had been letting Jace take the lead because this was his world.


Stricken, I whispered, "I've forgotten who I am."


"What?" Jace looked up, confused.


It was true. I had forgotten who I was.


I was ruthless. I was compassionate. And I was the glue that held my family
together, but that fell apart when I visited my real family in prison. Ever
since then…I left. I searched out another, faltered in my footsteps, and been
introduced to a world that I always knew had existed but never wanted to
acknowledge.


I drew in a shattering breath and said, "I forgot what I can do."


Jace frowned.


"I've been…I've been so caught up in playing the martyr and the mourning
aunt, but…and there was you." I looked up and let him see me. "You're a leader,
Jace. You're…beyond anyone that I could think of…it's easy to let myself get
swept up in that. You tower and others, I, find it so easy to cower behind
you."


His shadow stretched beyond a giant's shoulders.


"What are you talking about, Maya?"


"I'm talking about…I'm apologizing."


Jace caught his breath.


I choked back a smile. "Don't act so surprised."


"A lot's happened." He noted. "Don't go breaking up with me now."


"Is that what you think?" I asked swiftly. I watched him just as intently as
he watched me. The door was closed. We were alone and right then, the world was
damned.


"What else am I supposed to be thinking?"


Jace loved me.


I saw that now.


He thought I was cutting and running.


I shook my head and let relief pass through me, "You're wrong."


He narrowed his eyes.


"I'm not leaving you." I breathed out. "I love you."


I finally said the words.


Jace closed his eyes.


"I just forgot who I was for a moment." I finished.


Jace didn't move.


"I won't forget anymore." I vowed. "I see what others can't. Isn't that why
I'm so goddamn special?"


"So what do you see?" Jace threw back.


I held his gaze, lifted my chin, and let the truth flood me. I said softly,
"I see a man whose mission has been to destroy a certain empire. It wasn't about
your son or Taryn or Brian."


He said quietly. "I chose it because of my son."


"Are you sure about him? She could've spun a believable web." I played the
devil's advocate. "She could've said what you wanted to hear because she knew
that you'd be loyal to her to the end."


"That's not true—"


"She was an addict!" I whipped back. "She'd say anything because she thought
that you had the power to get it."


"She never asked, not once."


"But she knew! She knew that you knew that she needed drugs. So she told you
what would drive you to help her. You and I both know that's not farfetched.
It's what might've happened…and if that had happened then this is all for
naught…"


Jace drew in a ragged breath and threw back his head. "Sometimes,
Maya…sometimes I really hate you…"


Sometimes I really hated myself.


I added, softly, "Right now I'm playing what could possibly be the truth." I
stepped closer to him. "You were right, Jace. Fury and rage and pure hatred burn
inside of me. I have those fires that you wanted to tap into, but I also have
reasoning above that…I'm not an idiot."


"But you are." He interrupted smoothly and smiled ungraciously. "You don't
have reasoning. That's the weak answer for you. You have a wall because you're
so goddamn scared of getting hurt and abandoned like Krein did to you. It's not
reasoning, Maya, it's called a thick wall. That's all it is. You're human just
like me and everyone is built the same. If something gets too close, we erect
barriers so that it can't happen again."


I wanted to believe in angels.


"But the funnny part is that we end up screwing ourselves." Jace cried out.
"We don't let anyone through the walls because we might get hurt again, but
we're just screwing ourselves. No one can get through the wall so that just
means that we're alone at the end of the day. We're alone and we're the one
hurting. That's the stupidest part of it all."


I had believed in angels once.


"Where did this even come from?" Jace cried out. "We were fine, you and me,
and then we're arguing."


"I love you." I murmured, faintly.


Jace froze.


"I told you that I love you."


He frowned.


"And then we fought…"


Someday I might believe in angels...


"But not about that!" Jace corrected quickly. "Because…I wouldn't…we weren't
fighting about that, Maya."


"But we are in some ways."


Everything boiled down to love and survival.


"I'd like to believe in angels, Jace, but I don't." I smiled sadly. "There's
no help for us. This world…it's an ugly and despicable world and a part of me
would almost believe that Gray might be better off if he didn't live in this
world…I know. It's awful and unforgivable, but I don't believe in god. I don't
believe in any of that—not anymore."


"You have to." Jace gutted out. His arms hung loose at his side. A small
patch of moonlight shone through a tiny window placed at the top of the window.
It was only big enough to let someone know if it were light or dark outside. The
beam of light filtered over Jace and cast the hard ridges of his body into
shadows.


He looked down. His chiseled cheekbones gave him a hollowed look from the
moonlight's shadow.


"You have to believe in something." Jace continued. He still looked down to
the ground. "You can't be here—with me—if you don't believe in something."


"Why?" I breathed out. My chest felt so tight.


"Because if you don't believe, you won't live. You'll go to the wrong
side."


We weren't really talking about right and wrong, good and evil. What we were
talking about was much more elementary. I said the 'l' word and he hadn't. We
were really talking about his complete devotion to this mission, but I was
starting to waiver.


When I admitted that to myself, shame flooded me and I said quietly, "We'll
get Gray and then I'm taking him home."


Jace looked up with a question in his eyes.


I looked away. "I'll take Gray home and stay there."


Without him.


"Maya." Jace cut out.


I shook my head swiftly, "This is your life. It's not mine, I'm done after
this."


"Maya, come on…"


"And do what, Jace? Hold your hand while you go after the baddies? Should I
just follow you from shack to hotel to an abandoned warehouse? This is what you
do, this is what you've chosen to do but it's not for me. I'm used to…I'm used
to taking care of the streets. I tear down the small-block bullies and take
their money away over the poker tables. I don't…do this."


"It's the same war, but just different battles."


"And this is your world, not mine." I finished. I turned and reached for my
own clothes. As I pulled them on, Jace watched behind me. I bent and picked up
the 9mm that he had laid beside me earlier. I sheathed it into the back of my
waistband, turned, and met his eyes for a lingering moment.


I crossed the line and shared a bit more about myself.


He hadn't.


"You made your choice a long time ago. This is your choice." I spread my arms
wide. "Those guys downstairs…you are a great leader, but I won't be one of your
'men.'" With that, I brushed past him and turned down the hallway. As I neared
the top of the stairs, I heard the words 'jumbo lobster' and decided against
going down there.


Instead, I turned down the narrow hallway until I needed to crawl. I found
the secret room and curled up.


I could hear Jace on the other side. He wasn't doing anything, but I heard
him breathing. As I sat there, I heard a curse. He punched the wall and then
strode out of the room.


I closed my eyes and ducked my forehead to rest on the tops of my knees. I
hugged my legs to me, but jumped when I heard from across the room, "You can't
expect him to suddenly say what you want to hear."


I gasped when I saw Oscar across the room. He sat on the floor and leaned
against the wall.


"How did you get in here?" I asked.


He tapped the wall behind him. "This walls opens to one of the rooms. It's a
hidden room. They're both used for the Underground Railroad. It's why I chose
this place."


That made sense. And as he said that, I felt the air in the room swiftly
change. "Why do I feel like I'm sitting with ghosts right now?"


Oscar smiled, his teeth were blinding, and then he tipped his head back and
let loose with a laugh that came from his belly.


"What?" I frowned.


"It's true, girl. There are ghosts, spirits, the whole bit in here."


"I don't believe in the supernatural."


"You should." Oscar retorted.


"Should I?"


"Some people have the sight and my Abagail does. She's been here. She told me
who she saw here."


"She came here when none of us were here."


Oscar scoffed in disbelief, "You in a different conversation? I ain't talking
living people."


I quieted.


Oscar continued, "She saw a little girl. She saw an entire family. And she
saw little boy in chains."


The idea of angels was suddenly a tempting belief to grab onto.


"Who was in here?" I asked with a tight chest and clammy hands.


Oscar shrugged. "I don't think she was in here since it's secret and all, but
she told she heard through the walls. More folk in here than you and me, I can
tell you that."


"There's so much history and this tiny room…it stands for so much."


"Tiny rooms often do." Oscar grunted. "You're right, though. This room stands
for a better life. People died in here."


I could hear their cries. A small breeze had entered the room.


"They fought against ignorance and selfishness."


"They fought against what was wrong." Oscar said flatly. "Any time you have
to hide in a room, you know tthat what's going on the other side is wrong, flat
wrong."


It was suddenly stifling in there. My hands itched to crawl back out of
there, but my other choice was Jace and Rafe. I stayed where I sat, but I asked,
"Why did you choose to follow Jace?"


"Because he's the best leader that I've ever met." Oscar answered
immediately. There was no hesitation and I could only fathom what confidence
Jace managed to install into the others.


"How many others are there?"


"What do you mean?"


"How many other agents are there?" I asked again.


Oscar made a thoughtful sound and considered it. After a moment, he remarked,
"I know quite a few that are in this area, but I'm wise enough to know that Jace
holds a lot more close to his chest."


"If they all came and helped?"


"Then…maybe thirty…that's a guess, but they won't all come and help. Jace
won't allow it. He wouldn't want their missions to be ruined. He might let us
and another five help out."


I didn't know what else to say.


Oscar quieted and the two of us sat there, listening to the rest of the house
and feeling the trickle of a breeze tease against my exposed hands. I swear that
I could hear crying in the distance, but I knew it was just my imagination on
overdrive. Plus, I was upset about Jace, even if I didn't want to logically
admit it to myself.


I remembered Oscar's first words. I couldn't expect Jace to say what I wanted
him to say. Sadly, I knew why Oscar said that and I even understood why Jace
couldn't say those words in return.


Jace was an all or nothing guy. He couldn't have more than one love in his
life and the mission came first. With Jace, the mission would always come
first.


"Have you opened Abagail's gift?" Oscar distracted me from my thoughts.


I shook my head, but when I remembered that he might not have been able to
see that, I cleared my throat and murmured, "Not yet."


He nodded. "Good."


"It's…you told me to open it when I need 'clarity', right?"


He nodded.


"I haven't decided which 'clarity' I need right now." I said dryly and rested
my head against the wall. My clammy hands had dried.


"She's a good woman, my wife is. She told me to tell you, specifically, to
open that when you need clear sight."


"It's in my bag." But no, that wasn't right. I felt my pocket and realized
that it was there. I had it in my front pocket.


"The others are coming now." Oscar murmured and just then, the doorbell
rang.


Startled, I watched Oscar, but he watched something else. It was like he was
seeing what was happening downstairs…and that's when I realized that he wasn't
bald. He had a thin layer of pepper-colored hair, a smattering of white and
black, that covered his head and formed a beard on him.


And that's when I knew that this wasn't Oscar.


"Who are you?" I demanded, but my voice trembled just slightly.


He chuckled lightly. I heard a depth to his voice, like I had heard crying in
the distance. It was as if his voice connected to something deeper than us, to a
realm that couldn't be explained.


"My name is Doron."


My eyes were glued to his.


He smiled, the sight was beautiful, and he said, "And your last name is
Chanan."


"Who are you?!" I rasped out.


Tenderness glinted from his chocolate eyes. The room was pitched in
blackness, but I was able to see his eyes. I couldn't explain it.


"My name means 'gift' in Hebrew. And your name means the grace of water. Maya
Chanan, you are the grace of water."


Footsteps pounded on the hallways behind us. I felt them, but I couldn't hear
them. That was odd…


Doron commanded my attention when he said softly, "This meeting is about your
nephew."


"Gray?!"


"Yes." Doron nodded, solemnly. "Events are unfolding that are beyond all of
us and your nephew lies at the heart of them. You are but a small thread of so
many threads that mustweave together. You love that man out there, but a
sacrifice will occur. You must decide who is to be the sacrificed." He stood up
and stretched to the ceiling. I didn't know how I had thought he was Oscar,
except that they were both from African descent, but Doron seemed to tower over
me.


Oscar couldn't match his height.


Doron looked at me with different eyes. His eyes were ageless and I felt that
they had watched humanity grow from birth until her adolescent years.


He wore a flowing robe, which he brought tight against him, and he nodded,
"When the time happens, trust what you know."


"Are you going to tell me who you are and why you're here?" Or how he got in
there?


Doron smiled and remarked, "I told you. There is a wall. I shall leave from
here after you go."


"You talked to me as if you were Oscar…why?"


"Because you saw what made sense to you. Oscar made sense to you and so I
spoke to you as Oscar. And then you needed to hear more and so I spoke to you as
Doron."


One last question.


Softly, I asked, "How did you know my last name? I haven't told anyone."


"Abagail told me." Doron smiled.


"What?"


"She sees more than just the ghosts and spirits. She is a very wise woman."
He nodded and said, "You have a visitor. You should go."


"What?"


And then I heard, "Maya!"


Jace was calling my name.


I looked back to the room, saw Doron waiting, and then I sighed and crawled
back through. I went slowly, disturbed and yet not disturbed by what had just
happened, and as I managed to stand upright and emerge out into the hallway,
Jace saw me and exclaimed, "Where have you been?"


I gestured behind me, "I went to that secret room."


He cursed, shook his head, and gestured downstairs.


He was tense. I frowned and remembered Doron's words, "Who's here?"


"Your brother."