There’s reasons for why I live this lonely life. People I protect. Lies I don’t want to tell others.
He’s waiting for me outside and when he sees me, he straightens from the wall he was leaning against.
A smile tugs at his lips and I almost falter because I thought I was used to the feelings I get around him.
Warmth. Excitement. Tingling. A buzz in my blood, but none of that prepared me for this feeling. It’s strong. It’s…
It’s intoxicating.
We have talked for almost three weeks now, every single day. I’ve sat with him, taken my breaks with him. I rearranged my schedule so that I was still there, even on the two off days I had. Those two times had been the most enjoyable. He stayed longer than thirty minutes, but I’d also started to see this far-off look in his eyes.
He liked being there with me, but he paused every time his radio buzzed. He would listen, his head bent, and sometimes he had to go. Sometimes he cut out time short, but those were few and tonight, I see that look in his eyes too.
The adrenalin wanes as I see the caution in him, and I approach. I already know. “You have to go?”
“Yeah.” His hand goes through his hair.
He doesn’t notice how the other women look at him, and sigh. He doesn’t pay attention to how the teenagers get a little bit skittish when they recognize who he is. He’s a cop, and I know it’s that life that’s pulling him away.
He says with reluctance, “I just got a call a minute ago. A girl went missing. I have to get on it right away.”
I nod. “Of course.”
His gaze trails over my shoulder, in the direction I just came from. “Let me give you a ride back.”
But I don’t want to sit in my apartment anymore. Not alone. Maybe it’s the thought I’d be with him tonight, or I’d sit next to someone at the movies, or maybe it’s just because I’m starting to get tired of living how I do, but I shake my head.
“I actually think I’m going to watch a movie.” I spy the two tickets he has and takes them, ducking my head before I look back up, grinning almost shyly. “Maybe I’ll break the rules and sneak into a second movie. Double feature.”
Some of the tension leaves him and his shoulders seem less rigid. The lines around his mouth ease too. “Oh yeah? You’re telling a cop that, you know?”
I shrug. “So arrest me.”
He barks out a laugh, but his phone is buzzing, flashing. He lets out a sigh, taking it from his waistband. “I--uh--I gotta go.”
“Okay.”
This was the time when he would drop me off at my apartment, because I realize then that’s what I had wanted. It was planned in my head, but I hadn’t known until now. I wanted him to kiss me goodbye, but that can’t happen now. I’ve not spent the appropriate time with him, because that’s what my dad always used to say. Sluts open for the guy right away.
“Don’t be a slut.” He’d say that too.
But those are old memories, bad memories. The ones I purposely don’t remember.
I shove them out of my head, and I reach for Tanner. My hand rests on his arm and he moves closer, almost surging as if I just gave him the signal for something he’s been wanting for a long time. But no. I know that’s me thinking wistfully and I just tip my head back and smile up at him. “Be safe. Go find that girl.”
His eyes grow hooded, and his gaze drops to my lips.
He’s thinking what I was. He wants to kiss me too, and I can’t help it. I bite down there, and I find myself stretching up on my tiptoes, but with a groan, he moves back.
He reaches and tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. His thumb leaves behind a trail of tingles, and he says quietly, only so I could hear and no curious eavesdroppers, “I’ll call you later. You be safe too.”
I nod.
“I saw you walk here. Do me a favor? Call me when you’re done. I’ll send a cab for you to take back to your place. Please.”
I nod again, but as he goes, and I turn to watch him, he doesn’t know.
I’m the one who survives.
He’s waiting for me outside and when he sees me, he straightens from the wall he was leaning against.
A smile tugs at his lips and I almost falter because I thought I was used to the feelings I get around him.
Warmth. Excitement. Tingling. A buzz in my blood, but none of that prepared me for this feeling. It’s strong. It’s…
It’s intoxicating.
We have talked for almost three weeks now, every single day. I’ve sat with him, taken my breaks with him. I rearranged my schedule so that I was still there, even on the two off days I had. Those two times had been the most enjoyable. He stayed longer than thirty minutes, but I’d also started to see this far-off look in his eyes.
He liked being there with me, but he paused every time his radio buzzed. He would listen, his head bent, and sometimes he had to go. Sometimes he cut out time short, but those were few and tonight, I see that look in his eyes too.
The adrenalin wanes as I see the caution in him, and I approach. I already know. “You have to go?”
“Yeah.” His hand goes through his hair.
He doesn’t notice how the other women look at him, and sigh. He doesn’t pay attention to how the teenagers get a little bit skittish when they recognize who he is. He’s a cop, and I know it’s that life that’s pulling him away.
He says with reluctance, “I just got a call a minute ago. A girl went missing. I have to get on it right away.”
I nod. “Of course.”
His gaze trails over my shoulder, in the direction I just came from. “Let me give you a ride back.”
But I don’t want to sit in my apartment anymore. Not alone. Maybe it’s the thought I’d be with him tonight, or I’d sit next to someone at the movies, or maybe it’s just because I’m starting to get tired of living how I do, but I shake my head.
“I actually think I’m going to watch a movie.” I spy the two tickets he has and takes them, ducking my head before I look back up, grinning almost shyly. “Maybe I’ll break the rules and sneak into a second movie. Double feature.”
Some of the tension leaves him and his shoulders seem less rigid. The lines around his mouth ease too. “Oh yeah? You’re telling a cop that, you know?”
I shrug. “So arrest me.”
He barks out a laugh, but his phone is buzzing, flashing. He lets out a sigh, taking it from his waistband. “I--uh--I gotta go.”
“Okay.”
This was the time when he would drop me off at my apartment, because I realize then that’s what I had wanted. It was planned in my head, but I hadn’t known until now. I wanted him to kiss me goodbye, but that can’t happen now. I’ve not spent the appropriate time with him, because that’s what my dad always used to say. Sluts open for the guy right away.
“Don’t be a slut.” He’d say that too.
But those are old memories, bad memories. The ones I purposely don’t remember.
I shove them out of my head, and I reach for Tanner. My hand rests on his arm and he moves closer, almost surging as if I just gave him the signal for something he’s been wanting for a long time. But no. I know that’s me thinking wistfully and I just tip my head back and smile up at him. “Be safe. Go find that girl.”
His eyes grow hooded, and his gaze drops to my lips.
He’s thinking what I was. He wants to kiss me too, and I can’t help it. I bite down there, and I find myself stretching up on my tiptoes, but with a groan, he moves back.
He reaches and tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. His thumb leaves behind a trail of tingles, and he says quietly, only so I could hear and no curious eavesdroppers, “I’ll call you later. You be safe too.”
I nod.
“I saw you walk here. Do me a favor? Call me when you’re done. I’ll send a cab for you to take back to your place. Please.”
I nod again, but as he goes, and I turn to watch him, he doesn’t know.
I’m the one who survives.
