CHAPTER TWO


As I left the prison that night, I stopped and stood still in the gravel
parking lot. Only three others cars were there, but mine stood in a back corner.
Alone. With bushes, trees, foliage surrounding it, I should've been scared. I
should've walked away, but the warm night air calmed me.


Peaceful.


The breeze teased a few leaves and they drifted past me. I couldn't help, but
watch their flight.


They just rode the wind.


Here's me. A brother in prison. A mother with her back turned. A faceless
father.


I should just ride that wind and go where the breeze takes me.


I have friends. Some held my hand through hell. Some held my shoulder through
their hell. And I'd give my shirt for others with their next second had taken
them forward on their path. It was funny how that path brought them back, time
and time again.


It was how I lived, how we lived.


We all came from homes left behind and we needed each other. Money would come
one day and it would leave just as quick. And still, when we woke each morning,
the same souls usually had congregated around the couch. They'd leave and come,
but they always came back.


Money floated free, just like those leaves on the wind.


So what was it all about? What was life really about?


I'd been roommates with the same two girls since I'd turned thirteen. We
considered each other family for awhile. One boyfriend came in and stayed.
They'd moved out last month. The second boyfriend came in and left with my
remaining roommate.


My couch was empty now.


And I knew, if I stayed in place, the same two girls would be back. All our
friends would stop by, sit a spell, and share a drink.


And yet, as I watched those leaves, something connected inside. I wanted to
float free again.


I'd been held captive by my brother's life, the ideal of my brother, of a
relationship where someone rescued me. I rescued everyone else. I had wanted the
big brother to protect me.


That dream was dead.


I could breathe again.


Perhaps I should float and be the one to someday return to our yellow
couch.


Perhaps I should find where the wind takes me.


"Hey, sister."


I turned and saw Krein's old employee. It was the bouncer that had always
yelled at me only to later accept my presence as a stray dog. He'd even taken a
liking to me after awhile. It had been our secret.


"Ben." I said softly, still watching where the leaves had flown.


He came to stand beside me and watched where my eyes were.


"What are you looking at?"


"A providence."


Ben scratched his bald head, frowned at me, and harrumphed. "You still
strange. That's for sure."


"I'm going to leave." I announced. I wish I knew where those leaves were. I
wish I could have captured them.


"Okay." He nodded.


"I'm leaving Pedlam." He didn't understand and I wanted him to understand. It
was suddenly very important that he understand.


"Why?"


"Because my brother finally saw me."


That's what I'd been waiting for all those years. I just hadn't known it.


"So what? You going back home?"


"No." I would if the wind took me there. I didn't think the wind would take
me there.


Ben sighed beside me. He'd been a constant in my life. As I had turned into a
stray, the liking from him had turned into caring. The caring had turned into
someone who looked out for me. And we'd had our conversations about life. We had
discussed everything from the myths and truths of stars to the pot of gold at
the end of each rainbow.


He'd given me thoughts that had gotten me through hell. My hell and others'
hells.


"How'd that go?"


"What?"


"Seeing your brother. How'd that go?"


I smiled now. It had gone marvelously and it had gone dreadfully. I hadn't
decided which end of the coin my visit would land.


"I told him he sinned."


Ben chocked in disbelief.


"I'd like to find his best friend." I spoke again, a proclamation.


I didn't fully comprehend why I wanted to find him, but it was there inside
of me. I figured it was there for a reason. I should follow and adhere that
need.


"You not going to find Jace Lanser. He's a ghost, sister. He be dead before
anyone find him."


That wasn't true. He was found somewhere and he was probably not dead.


"I'm not looking for him with the same purpose as the rest."


"What's in it for you?"


Ben was a very large man with a bald head and black skin. He had grown in his
youth, which was a different time. He had grown with a family that gave him
food, shelter, water, and love. There were things that Ben would never
understand about me. I didn't expect him to understand what I could not.


I said simply, "A different ending."


"Good luck then, sister."


That was his name for me. Sister. At first it had been 'fatgirl', but that
had changed when he realized who I was there to see and why. It had been sister
ever since and some would give us paused looks, misunderstanding that I was his
sister.


Of course, I was. I had become Ben's sister.


Blood wasn't important for us. Not him and me, not throughout the years.


"I'm going to go and see your brother." Ben patted me on the shoulder and
frowned.


I still looked towards the leaves, but I knew he frowned. I felt it. It was
in the air around him. I felt it change.


"You need to grow some pounds." He patted my shoulder again before he
left.


Those were his parting words, but I didn't fret.


The pattern would bring me back again.


I was still there when he came back and called out, hesitant, "Hey, uh…"


I looked at him and smiled a true smile. I would miss him while I was
away.


"If you really want to find Lanser, you might want to check with Taryn
Rosette. Her last name is Matthews now."


Taryn Rosette-Matthews was well-known. Anyone the Lansers loved was famous in
their own right.


"She's in New York, the last I heard. She should be finishing up her last
year at Columbia."


"Do you have a message for her?" I also knew how Ben had 'tolerated' her, but
really cared for her.


"Uh…," He shrugged, embarrassed. "Just tell her…she's welcome to come and try
and get around me sometime at my new place."


"I will."


I think the wind just told me the first place to go. I'd never been to New
York. It would be fun.


"Thanks Ben."


He sighed and stared at me. "Be careful, sister. Alright?"


"You know me."


"I don't." He relented, sorrowed. "I don't know you, sister. You're
protected, you know that?"


"What do you mean?" But I knew.


"You watch yourself. You guard herself, sister, but…I see a lot of your
brother in you."


"Insult or compliment?"


"Both." He laughed and shook his head again. "Damn, sister, you pull my
strings. You pull my strings."


"I'm your sister." I smiled, blindingly. That was my job.


Ben barked out a laugh. "Yeah, that you are."


I sobered and said softly, "I'll be back, Ben."


"You better be."


"I will. I'll come back."


"Sister…you ain't going to find Lanser. You know that, right?"


I'd go where the wind took me. If the wind took me to him, then I'd find him.
Either way, he was found somewhere. Did it really matter?


"I'm just a visitor. A visitor to wherever I go. That's all I can ask
for."


"You're fucking strange." Ben bit out, laughing. "That's what all you can ask
for. Fucking strange, but I like you. Grit, smart, funny. You alright."


He turned and walked away.


I shouted to his broad back, "Not to mention 'hot.'"


Ben wolf-whistled in response.


Just then, as he continued towards the prison, the wind swiftly picked up
speed and rushed past my cheek. It grazed me and I turned with it.


New York. Taryn Matthews.


It was where the wind sent me. Ben had told me my first stop.


I knew who Taryn Matthews was. Living in Pedlam, you would've needed to be
dead not to know who she was. She was known as cold, a bitch, and a whore. I
didn't think the Lanser brothers would love someone like that. I didn't think
she was really like that.


I saw her one time. She'd been teasing Ben about something as I approached.
She had ignored me, but I watched captivated.


She wanted to be loved. I saw that right away. She was tough as nails because
she had to be. I saw that too. And she liked Ben. She was torn, confused, and at
that time I had thought it was because she didn't know who she was.


It hadn't been because of that. I think she'd been scared to know who she
was. Like she was scared to find out what was really inside of her.


She had loved Jace and Brian. Everyone saw that except the three of them.


To everyone else, Taryn was a force not to be messed with.


To me, I still saw the little girl inside of her. Sometime in her life, she
had cowered in a corner as a little girl.


My heart had broken for her then and it broke again at the renewed
thought.


Krein had liked Taryn. I saw that too. What I had told him was right. I
watched from the outside and I saw so much more than people knew was there. I
saw the invisible and I saw the visible.


I'd seen my brother and I was about to leave my brother. Did I care? Would he
hope for another visit? Would he be hurt when I didn't come?


I had told him I wanted to see Lanser. He had warned me away.


This was the moment, right here and right now—this was the moment that I no
longer lived my life around my brother.


He was not my axis anymore.


My axis had spun in pursuit of that wind.


I sighed. With all my happy, nonsensical, abstract thought and talk…I had two
sides of me. I was also very practical, straight-forward, and concrete. I
switched between the two as I felt free.


Free.


I liked that word.


My first stop was an empty house. I let myself into the house and instead of
turning the lights on, I walked towards my bedroom in the dark. The moonlight
filtered through the blinds and illuminated a path across the empty home.


I stood in my doorway, looked at my belongings and took a deep breath. The
wind had come. I felt it when my conscience returned with force. I changed into
jeans and a t-shirt before I grabbed a bag and placed it on the bed. Then I
turned and packed in the moonlight, oddly content with the little light that
shone.


It was enough for me.


I was nearly done when a knock sounded at the door. I saw it was Cora, a
friend who'd cycle through the home and live on our couch for days until she'd
leave only to return a few weeks later.


Cora had sleek beautiful black hair that curled just above her waist.
Stick-thin, she had the highest metabolism I'd ever met. She was always starving
and when she wasn't, that meant she was in trouble. Cora liked to party, party,
and party harder.


I had long ago accepted I hadn't grown as one of 'them' and I would never be
one of 'them.' I was an 'us.'


Cora hadn't.


Cora was one of us, though she liked to pretend she was one of 'them.' She
liked to have friends who owned houses with steady jobs and a full bank account.
When I opened the door, I knew she was dressed to find another one of 'them' to
bankroll her thirst for life.


"Maya." She sent me an endearing smile and flipped a strand of hair over her
shoulder. Hoop earrings jangled over a shimmering V-neck top and I noticed the
diamond bracelet on her hand as her wrist flipped alongside the hair.


"That's new." I commented and leaned against the doorframe.


"You're not inviting me in?" She searched inside. "Are you moving? Where's
all the stuff."


"Kai and Cherry moved in with their boyfriends."


"Really?" Her eyes lit up in anticipation. "Where do they live?"


"You get kicked out from your latest credit card?"


Irritated, Cora snapped, "Why are you always on my back?"


"Because you hide who you are." I snapped back.


She rolled her eyes and huffed and puffed.


"Kai and Cherry aren't here and no—I'm not going to the club with you." I
doubted that she'd ask, but when desperate… It was well-known I abhorred the
nightclub scene, though I'd been popular amongst the crowd and would be if I
ventured again.


Cora sighed in disgust. "You're a waste, Maya. You're gorgeous and the guys
flock to you. I'd kill to have that."


"Don't you?"


She was silent and leaned against the wall.


I watched her. Cora wanted a life that wasn't her own. She thirsted to be one
of 'them' and not turn herself into one of 'them.' In the process, she usually
burned non-burnable bridges which sent her to our couch. It was inevitable. Cora
took, took, and took until whoever her 'victim' was empty and had emptied
again.


I didn't like her because she held no responsibility over herself. I always
thought the only difference between Cora and Krein was that my brother was in
prison. Cora was on the path to that end where she'd be forced to look at
herself…and that was when the real pain would start. Her life was about avoiding
her life. Avoiding looking at herself.


I used to be like that, once upon a time.


"I wish." She muttered and kicked at a nonexistent pebble. Sighing, she said
dramatically, "So…what are you doing then? Are you looking for new roommates or
what?"


I shrugged. "I haven't decided yet."


"You can't afford this house alone…can you?"


At the moment it wasn't a problem. Kai had left a month early with six months
of rent paid. Cherry had left a week ago with four months paid. I didn't need to
worry for awhile.


I already knew what I was doing, but I was loath to share with Cora. And that
surprised me. Living our life, relationships and others' charity was everything.
Money would come and go, but that resource of leaning on someone—that would get
a person through a harsh winter. That would get free ramen for every meal if a
quarter wasn't found in our pockets.


Cora never had anything to lend. And she extended the first hand to
receive.


"I'm good for awhile."


"Oh." She sounded dejected. "So…Kai and Cherry are with their boyfriends,
huh?"


"Doubtful they'd want to go hunting with you."


Cora scowled, "It's not like that, Maya."


"It's like that, Cora. You hunt for your next home and meal, you just call it
a sex partner."


"Look, whatever. I'm out of here." Cora frowned and left in a huff.


She huffed and puffed, but Cora would never go down. That was the truth of
it, not until she was forced into a jail cell or rehab center. And she'd fight
until the end. It was all done in the chase to avoid herself.


I used to do that, once upon a time.


Cora hadn't been gone an hour when I heard a knock at the door again. I had
returned to my packing, but hadn't laid my shirt down before I heard the door
open and a voice called out, "Hello? Maya, you in here?"


"I'm back here, Brandon."


Brandon was an enigma. He'd once been one of us, hoping to escape an abusive
father. He'd stayed on our couch for two months, used the library's computer for
an online company and he now had acquired a house and even a few cars.


He was one of them, but he still came around a few times.


"Holy shit—light please." He grunted when he walked into the door.


"Uh huh." I shook my head and continued packing. I liked the light off. It
felt more natural. Darkness comforted me because it was familiar. I knew what
was expected.


"What are you doing?" He squinted, trying to see me.


"Packing."


"What?" Brandon gingerly moved inside, felt my elbow, and passed around to
flop onto the bed. "Now I'm not so scared."


I laughed and finished packing. I had two more shirts to go and the shoes.
Shoes were important.


"What are you packing for?" He asked as he laid down.


"I'm leaving." I said calmly, but I watched him in the darkness. I wanted to
know his reaction.


Brandon held still as he heard me. He paused mid-reach for my pillow.


A second passed and he asked, hoarsely, "For where? Why?"


"New York."


I saw the tightness that entered his jaw. He sighed, "For what? How
long?"


I shrugged and murmured, "I don't know."


"Where did this…I talked to you today and you didn't say anything."


"I visited my brother today." I said softly.


"It's…it's because of him? Is he why you're leaving?"


He hadn't asked how my visit was. Brandon didn't want to know how the visit
went.


I bent and grabbed the two pairs of shoes for my bag. Tennis shoes and dressy
shoes. Both could be worn with any outfit, but sometimes tennis shoes just
didn't match. Sandals were too frivolous and needed to be cut. I'd just suffer
if I ran across hot weather.


Socks and shoes, they were the basic essentials.


Brandon eyed my contents as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. He noted,
"You're packing light. Hitch-hiking?"


I shrugged. "Maybe part of the way, but I've got money saved."


Brandon stood and scratched his head. "Let me buy you an airplane
ticket."


"No."


"Maya."


"No."


"Maya, this isn't charity. I know you can afford it, but I want to help. I
don't want—it's not safe out there."


I turned to him. "When has safety stopped us?"


"That was from necessity. I have money. Let me buy you an airplane ticket.
That's all I'll help with. Promise."


"Brandon."


"It's not necessary for you to hitch-hike, Maya. You're not stupid and I know
that pride's not in here."


Brandon loved me. That was the known secret between the two of us. I didn't
love him. That was another known secret between us. So we pretended else, but
both knew what was underneath.


Sometimes…sometimes it was really hard to let that person love you.


Brandon already had his phone out as he called a travel agency. He moved out
of the room when someone answered and I heard him negotiate for a ticket, not
first-class though he could afford it.


"It's done. You leave tonight?" He came back into the room and perched on my
windowsill.


I didn't answer because I hadn't thought about it. That wasn't really true. I
had thought about it, but I was trying to figure out if I was going to make the
goodbye rounds.


My people—we didn't do the goodbyes. We just left and it was known that if
possible, we'd see the person again. Everyone left and came and left again.
There was one person that I thought to make an exception for, but I hesitated. I
didn't know if I could make the goodbye to him. He wouldn't understand and my
heart would just splinter.


Brandon pinpointed the pain and asked, huskily, "You going to say goodbye to
Gray?"


I saw my brother's face with the softness of a three-year old flash before my
eyes.


Was I? I didn't know yet.


"I don't know."


"You're his favorite auntie. He'd be asking for you."


"He wouldn't understand."


Brandon fell quiet and stood in the moonlight. His shadow fell onto me when
he asked, "Do you want him to already learn that rule?"


Don't expect a goodbye and don't expect a presence. That was the rule,
intertwined. People were there or they weren't. Either way, it was you and the
friends you found when you needed them. It couldn't be expected for someone to
always stop by for a coffee.


Traditions were luck of the draw when you were one of us.


"I should go and say goodbye." I murmured, already feeling his soft chubby
arms as they hugged me.


The avoidance wasn't for him, it was for me. Gray wouldn't understand, but I
would. I'd be the one leaving in pain.


"I'll drive you and I'll take you to the airport after that."


Brandon was the saint. Patient. Loving. And not pressuring. If I'd go to him,
I'd go when the time came. Brandon knew that. A third known secret between the
two of us. He also knew not to wait because that time might never come.


There were a bit too many known secrets that lay between us. It was a wonder
how many of them were actual secrets.